2007 WSOP Recap, Part Four: State of the Moon Address

Zoned87 (10:13:55 PM): sucks man. Yeah do what u want... im still looking for what i want to do in life. Its funny though... you probably feel the same way. I think that 50 dollars is nothing and to my friends is a ton of money. I can see how bad other people have it and how good I have it. But I think your status in poker is rediculous to even me. I want to be that good some day. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to keep playing poker. I'd hate to see that money won by someone else :/
Zoned87 (10:14:55 PM): and of course everyone asks me for money and I hate it, but I always seem to have the urge to ask you for money.
Zoned87 (10:15:12 PM): psh everyone wants what they can't have
Zoned87 (10:15:17 PM): or don't have
Zoned87 (10:15:29 PM): makes me wonder what im doing in my life

shaniacattack888 (1:12:56 PM): It's just a way of life that works for guys like us
shaniacattack888 (1:12:57 PM): accept it

Lord, I was born a ramblin’ man
Tryin to make a livin and doin the best I can
- Allman Brothers, "Ramblin' Man"

____

The other night I was struggling to fall asleep so I tried to concentrate on something that would make me feel content and peaceful. There were only two things I could think of: fantasy football, and my blog.

I’m in kind of a tough spot here. I’m scared and worried and distrustful. The future is murky. I don’t know anything about where I’m going to be, personally and professionally.

Before I start discussing my present and future, a quick recap of the past to explain where I’m at (with a little help from my favorite movie - clicking the links will play an mp3 on your computer, so be careful at work or whatever):

March: I returned to Boulder after a fruitless and emotionally draining stretch on the tournament circuit. I played a lot of online cash games and found them to be more difficult than ever. I ran badly, lost confidence, and questioned both my ability and the ability of most players to make it as a professional poker player in the long run. I basically decided to retire as a full-time pro and focus on some different things, especially trying to start a brewery.

April: My girlfriend Laura and I broke up. Laura is going to grad school in Boston in the fall and lives in Vermont. We were at a point where we either had to make a monster commitment (such as me moving to Boston) or stop dating.

May: Two of the most important members of the brewery team move to Steamboat Springs for the summer.

June: I make a final table at the World Series of Poker in my first event of the summer for $68k, then go the rest of the WSOP (six events and $23k) without a cash.

I returned home from the WSOP obsessed with poker. During and after the WSOP, I crushed the online cash games almost too effortlessly. I declared in chatboxes that I was the best player on the site and challenged anyone to match my results. I told my friends I could only lose to enormous coolers and bad beats. I played a ton and constantly fiended to play more. I had railbirds giving me props. I planned to log a lot of hours this summer, and essentially return to the world of professional poker.

I then fell on my face and lost $12k in three days. This seems to happen every time I decide to “get serious” and log a ton of hours online. It just doesn’t work for me when I play full-time. It never has. Every poker slump I’ve ever had came out of a prolonged period of intense play. I’ve concluded that I cannot be a full-time professional poker player.

I went to Steamboat Springs last week to get away, take a look at the town, and see what my partners were up to. They’re in good shape. I think they’re passionate about the project and they’re going to make it work. But

This is not the one for me. I question my ability to work business day in and day out. I question my ability to do anything day in and day out, actually. I don’t think I want to live in Steamboat Springs. I don’t think I would want my distribution brewery to be located in Steamboat Springs. There may be other opportunities later in my life to open a brewery. There certainly will be if I want. I’d really like to be an investor more than anything though, I think.

I’ve learned a lot about brewing and business the last few months. Beer will always be a big part of my life. I’m not certain I want it to be the biggest part of my life, though, and I think I’d better be certain before making a can’t-turn-back commitment.

I love poker. That should be pretty obvious to anyone who reads this blog. I’m obsessed with the game. I don’t view it as a long-term career, though. I have no desire to be a pro in ten years. Probably not in five, either. I feel like I (and others) would have a hard time respecting myself if playing cards was my identity.

I’m better at poker than ever before, both tournaments and cash games. I enjoy it a ton, as much as anything I do. It remains an efficient way to make a living. The average player is much better now than three years ago though, and will only continue to get better. It’s hard to say how the games will develop in the future. I can’t imagine things getting much better, but it’s easy to predict it will get tougher.

I’ve also recently realized how much I enjoy other professional poker players. I generally don’t care for people too much, but I really think the population of poker pros is a one of the most interesting, diverse, intelligent, and fun samples you can find in society. Maybe it’s just cause I have something in common with them, but I feel like the pros I know have more to offer socially and intellectually than the average bear. The only group I can remember enjoying as much was the would-be journalists working on the high school paper. I actually found a group of people I like, which really is something for me. I hope I’m always friends with these people, even if I don’t share their profession.

I’ve now been a poker professional, more or less, for two years. It’s been my primary (only) source of income for three years. I’ve made a lot of money early – more than anyone I know my age from high school or college. I’ve compiled a respectable record of cashes and final tables in major tournaments.

Yet I consider my career a failure, thus far. I expected to be one of the best. I’m not. That tournament record doesn’t look so hot when one considers the buyins, which, in my case, are greater than the winnings. I’m as solid and consistent a winner as they come in the online cash games, but I’m playing the same stakes I was two years ago. I don’t seem to be going anywhere fast in poker, and it seems I’m nearing my ceiling – and it isn’t all that high.

I feel I’m halfway into a Jean Claude Van Damme movie called “Unfinished Business” or something. If I left poker now and never returned, I would always feel a deep dissatisfaction with how my career went. There is a mountaintop that I can see, that I have never stood upon. I will need to stand upon that mountain to feel satisfied with my poker career.

Conquering other aspects of life might be even more challenging.

Finding a girl is not going to be easy. Laura is the only girlfriend I’ve ever had. I’m not bad with girls, but I don't meet many. I’m shy. Most of my friends have girlfriends, but not many girl friends. I need to find some ways to meet girls.

During the next few months, I suppose I’ll keep doing the same stuff I’ve done the last few. I’ll play some cards. I’ll brew some beer. I’ll hike some mountains. I’ll read some business books. I’ll do some writing. I’ll get involved with some community activities which will hopefully help with everything in my life I’m trying to improve.

I hope to spend much of the fall working on a project with a couple other pro poker players. The project has been in the works for a few months now, but hasn’t moved past the point of discussion. We have the desire, creativity, and ability to make it happen, but laziness and disorganization (a pro poker player’s most frequent bedfellows) have prevented it from taking flight. If and when we can get our shit together and get it off the ground, I’ll blog about it.

In a couple weeks, the Gambler and Hostile Blue are coming to Boulder for a week I like to call “Camp Moon.” The FTOPS V will be running and we’ll be taking it pretty seriously. We’ll probably play every day and my house will once again be a professional poker environment.

I’m going to Europe in late August or early September, meeting up with a couple of my oldest friends. There will be poker. There will be beer, especially at Oktoberfest. There will be time to think, and drink, and write, and then I’ll probably do the same back in Boulder during the fall.