WSOP Recap Part Two: Grades

Five years at the WSOP. Five different experiences with little in common other than the oppressive heat. Three losing years and two winning ones. Three years spent in a house and two in hotels. Zero main event cashes. Dozens of near-death incidents on the I-15. It seems I always have a dry, bitter taste in my mouth lingering in my mouth this time of year, yet by the time May rolls around I can never wait to go back. Someday I may conquer the WSOP; until then, there will always be this post, more time to reflect on another disappointing six weeks in Vegas.

Ace-king: D+
I still haven’t figured out what to do with these two cards in a lot of situations. It seems like if you’re playing a big pot at the World Series with ace-king, especially at a nine or ten-handed table, you’re probably way behind. Big slick is a big hand for real loose-aggressive players. It’s a big hand when you have ten big blinds. It's usually a big hand in online donkaments. It’s a big hand blind on blind. It’s not a big hand for nits, it’s not a big hand when you get reraised by your standard WSOP participant, and it’s usually not a big hand to get all your chips in – at any stage of the hand.

Alcohol: D+
Hard to believe last year at this time I gave this poison a B+. I don’t seem to enjoy getting drunk anymore. I’d rather be sober than drunk, though halfway between isn’t bad. It’s the headaches that broke me. It’s not worth feeling like crap. The older I get, the more I want to just feel good. Alcohol doesn’t make me feel good.

All this and I’m a “good” drinker. I don’t do stupid things when I drink. I don’t become a different person. I don’t black out (I vomit). Basically, I don’t do things I wouldn’t do otherwise (except dance).

But so many people aren’t like this. So many people become stupid and annoying when they drink. So many do terrible, damaging things when they’re drunk. So many people can’t control alcohol, can’t use it appropriately. Alcohol is just such a powerful force, for better or for worse. There are too many things I like about the stuff to give it up completely, but “drinking to get drunk” will rarely be part of my future.

Away We Go: C-
I thought Sam Mendes & co. came out flat in this one, though someone I know thought it was one of the best.

Bruno: C
The elaborate setups and interviews weren’t bad, but the desperation humor wore thin. You can only squeeze so many drops of humor out of a penis.

Cake: A-
Cake seemingly provides the soundtrack for every situation one might encounter while spending a WSOP in Vegas:
Going out: Frank Sinatra
Stalled in traffic on the I-15: Long Line of Cars
Met a girl at the club last night: Love You Madly
Sunset: Alpha Beta Parking Lot
Hungover: No Phone
Upset with double standards: Pretty Pink Ribbon
Stalled in traffic on the 215: Carbon Monoxide
Betrayed: Friend Is A Four Letter Word
Golddigging: Italian Leather Sofa
Driving around in Henderson: Wheels
Stalled in traffic on the Strip: Race Car Ya-Yas
The last gasp: End of the Movie
Leaving town: Tougher Than It Is

Green Day: B+
Forget for a second that 21st Century Breakdown sounds like an inferior sequel to 2004’s American Idiot. At this point, who else is capable of streaking together eighteen quality tunes without a clunker? Has Green Day inherited the moniker of Best Band in the World?

The Hangover: B+
The best Vegas movie ever made? Encapsulates the full Vegas experience in a hundred minutes. Apparently a “Hangover 2” is already in the works – expect a C- grade in this post circa July 28, 2011.

Hibachi: B+
Anyone know a good place in the Boulder area?

Las Vegas, NV: C-
There are many times I am convinced this is the worst place in America, the most deplorable, unhealthy, wasteful, unnatural, ghastly, sickening, wretched city of the first world. There is so much to despise about this outlandish oasis. The heat. The dreadfully designed roads. The traffic. The dangerous drivers. The retarded traffic lights throughout the city, which don’t recognize cars waiting on red when no one is approaching the green. The lack of public transportation in a town made for public transpo. The omnipresent construction. The mobs of tourists. The lack of respect for humanity. The despicable characters scouring the town like leeches sniffing for blood. The vapid strip malls. The drug dealers, the scumbags, the whores. The horrible casinos. The processed air. The undrinkable water. The unbreathable air. The myriad illnesses drifting around. The waste. The stunning ineffiency of it all.

Yet Las Vegas will always have its redeeming qualities. If you like to eat and drink, there are few better places in the world to do so. I spent a week in Vegas after the WSOP bustout, doing nothing but eating and drinking and vacationing following the recommendations of Las Vegas residents. And you know what? It was a good week. Las Vegas remains the preeminent destination for two of my favorite things – poker and food.

M: A-
M is a new casino several miles south of South Point off the I-15/Las Vegas Boulevard. It looks great. The buffet could be the best in Vegas, and includes all-you-can-drink beer and wine. Veloce Cibo is the obligatory modern restaurant/nightclub elevated at the top of the building. It has an outdoor terrace which would be great nine months of the year, expansive views of the surrounding desert, and a strong modern menu. 32° features 96 different beers on tap. The Hostile Grape is a wine cellar with 160 different wines available for sampling 1, 3, or 5 oz at a time using a pre-paid card. An ideal spot for a first date – though if you are trying to start a relationship in Las Vegas, you should have your head examined.

My Play: B
I’m pleased with the style I’ve developed. I’m comfortable playing a stack of any size. I feel I need to get unlucky to get knocked out of a tournament. I don’t make many mistakes. The style I’m playing is not optimal, but it is the right style for me right now, it is low variance, and it is a winning style in almost any situation.

Palazzo: B-
I know a guy who refuses to eat at this casino because of the perfume smell pumped through the place along with the air conditioning, which encapsulates where the Palazzo goes wrong: it’s all meant to look elegant yet casual, but comes off as trying too hard without the innate class of the Bellagio or the Wynn. Despite that smell, Palazzo does boast some strong restaurants; Carnevino, First Food, and Dos Caminos are three I have come to enjoy.

P.F. Chang’s: B
The best chain restaurant?

Praying: B+
I started praying for people I know before I go to sleep. It’s a nice way to wrap up the day with some perspective. It puts the mind to ease.

So to recap: this summer I stopped binge drinking and started praying. Vegas, baby. Vegas.

The Red Square: B+
Russian restaurant/vodka bar, Mandalay Bay. Serves a great spicy bloody mary and a sneaky good key lime pie martini.

Rental Houses: C-
I’ve finally come to the conclusion that sharing a house with a bunch of gamblers – who invariably keep wild hours, usually have vastly different lifestyles, and generally have no regard for cleanliness – might not be the best recipe for a successful, low-stress six weeks in Vegas. Throw in the nagging landlord, the sterile, unequipped house, the pool which is never a reasonable temperature, the hassle of finding and paying for the place, the noncommittal residents, no pets, the obligatory internet problems, the charmless location, and the I-15 commute, and it’s enough to convince me to pursue different accomodations in 2010.

Star Trek: B
Solid entertainment start to finish. I’m still upset that J.J. Abrams is the captain of the 21st century Hollywood sci-fi revival, but we could be in worse hands.

Table Games: D+
I am embarrassed to report I logged several hours in the pit this summer. Some of that time was spent playing a table game which
a) may very well be beatable
b) is a lot of fun for poker players
c) may soon be the subject of Bringing Down the House 2

while the rest of that time was spent playing craps, a game which is
a) unbeatable
b) almost beatable
c) fun if you are winning
d) fun with a large group

Morally, I have unwavering qualms playing any game that is unbeatable. To me casinos are amongst the most loathsome, evil, duplicitous places on earth. Playing a game which you know you cannot win in the long term claws at my guts. I enjoy gambling right down to a 50% edge, but as soon as it crosses to negative expected value it becomes a service you are paying for and not a game you are playing. The whole reason I got into this business was because I love outplaying people. I find it absolutely disgusting that anyone, including many of the most talented poker players in the world, could enjoy a game which they are expected to lose.

Having said that…it’s exciting when you need a six to get rolled and it gets rolled…the casinos really hook you up with the comps…it’s really exciting when you need a four to get rolled and it gets rolled…free drinks…

Of course if you need to get off throwing dice, you can always play Catan.

Twitter: A-
There’s not much to dislike here. You can use it as much or as little as you want. It’s easy to use. You can follow your favorite friends, athletes, and celebrities. You can ignore it altogether. It’s forever part of poker and the industry’s better for it.

I’ll be back on twitter for the next big event of the year: the 2009 NFL season, starting September 10.