Throwing Up

The period after the WSOP is always one of the worst times of the year, a listless, godforsaken chunk of time best traversed as quickly as possible. It's impossible not to feel hungover from the WSOP, impossible to reproduce the same drive, purpose, and enthusiasm for life without those million dollar carrots dangling in your peripherals. This year's late summer has been particularly difficult, thrust directly into the harsh reality of Life without any more illusions it might be avoided.

Though there have been some nice times, there have only been four things I have consistently enjoyed since the WSOP:

1. The smell of rain
2. Exercise
3. Funny People
4. This youtube clip

Just a few months ago I was cruising along in a fairly pleasant but unsustainable situation. I decided to cut my own arms off in hopes of climbing to a higher place, even knowing how miserable the gaping, bleeding holes from those cuts were going to be and how hard the climb was going to be without those arms. At some point I may have become addicted to putting myself into deep dark holes just to see if I could dig out of them. Digging out of the last one was so rewarding and exhilarating sometimes I wonder if I was secretly hoping to fall back in. Like Aron Ralston or Shaniac in November 2010, I know that I put myself in this position voluntarily, though perhaps not consciously.

Now I do everything I can to get out of the hole. I'm going nowhere fast but I try. Every morning I wake up early and get out of bed. Even if I want to sleep late, I can't past 9. I work hard during the days on my book and other vague ventures. I'm still not sure what I will do if I can't be a writer, but intriguing possibilities are emerging. I do something athletic every day. I think I am past my athletic peak. But my body looks better than ever. At night I find myself in random social experiences. I never say no. I have to learn to get better. Rarely are these experiences relaxing. But they're not supposed to be. Now is not the time for relaxation. Men, children, and animals seem to be slightly magnetized by my presence. Women seem to be slightly repulsed by it. I get to spend a few minutes with the best dog in the world before bed. I fall asleep right away.

This is the hardest part of my adult life, so far - but, so far, it has not been the worst. I have been experiencing consistent and unprecedented rejection in all aspects of life over the last month but have not seen much of a drop in my disposition or self-esteem. I have been trying so hard in so many different areas and just keep failing, but it hasn't made me want to stop trying. I feel like I am walking a tightrope above an abyss of depression but despite several shoves I haven't lost my footing. I really have no idea what is going on for me emotionally. Maybe I have dug out of so many holes digging out of this one is automatic. Maybe I finally realized how silly it was to feel sorry for myself. Maybe it's the Vitamin D.

Vomiting is the most abhorrent of bodily functions. Everyone is terrified of it. It's horribly unpleasant, disgusting, painful. But vomiting is actually a wonderful thing, one of the best things a human can do. Vomiting gets the poison out, resets the system. Sometimes vomiting is a necessary action for a healthy mind and body. I'm puking my guts out right now. It's not so bad.