Competitive

Throughout my life, competitiveness has been one of my most salient characteristics. I'm so competitive that I often wonder if I'd be better off less so. I cannot enjoy playing a game unless there are elements of winning and losing, of outplaying the opponent. Last winter, I had to quit playing this pingpong variation my friends invented called "handgame" because I couldn't deal with having to restrain competitiveness for more cohesive game play (an essential characteristic of the game). When I play a game, the only way I care or know how to play it is all out. Play to win.

Sunday afternoon I played some nonchalant volleyball with a bunch of friends, and found myself getting extremely into it. Most of the other kids were having fun, taking it easy. I had no such option. I wanted to win every game, every point, and got a little upset at myself or anyone else whenever my team screwed up. This is the way it has always been for me, and I assume always will be.

I'm a short, scrawny kid with limited athleticism. I've always been obsessed with games and winning though, so I needed something extra to give me a chance to compete with the big boys. Competitiveness has always been my ace in the hole. In high school, I compensated for a lethargic off-season running regimen in cross country and track with raw grit during hard practices and at meets. At ultimate frisbee tournaments in college, I always played hard all four, occasionally five, games of the day, while most of the best players loafed or sat out the last couple games. During my poker career, I didn't put in near the hours of many of my adversaries. But when I did play, I played hard, I didn't screw around, and I always wanted to win. If I wasn't able to compete my hardest, I didn't play.

Sunday's volleyball game was my first competitive venture since retiring from poker. It was a jarring experience. I realized I have not been getting my proper competitive outlet dosage and I need to find some more consistent competitive pursuits. Running by myself and playing Magic the Gathering is not going to cut it. I'm positively overflowing with competitive juices right now and, basically, I miss owning people.